I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
