If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
