One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
