i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
