how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
