Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
