Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
