he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
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