Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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