Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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