She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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