How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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