Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
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