I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
