I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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