I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
