Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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