Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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