you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
