After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
