after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
