she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
