How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
