Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
