zippers are such a cool invention
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
