How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
