hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
