This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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