My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
My apartment stinks of burning failure
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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