...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
