I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just gargled with NyQuil
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
