I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
