Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
