how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
