Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
