i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
