Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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