I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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