Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So apparently I’m into choking now
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