he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
