I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Vodka?
Forever.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
