i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i wish my penis had a tongue
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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