i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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