I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
