i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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