No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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