my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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