How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
