I think i peed on brittanys purse
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
