Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
