Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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