At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
