Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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