Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
