i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
