so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
